Thankful

Almost a year ago I was lucky enough to marry the love of my life, and almost 6 years ago I was lucky enough to ((finally)) start dating him.

These handful of years have truly been the best of my life, and as I sit on our couch, catching up on one of my favorite cartoons (Steven Universe, if anyone was wondering) and listening to my husband snoring in our bedroom, I can’t help but think of all the reasons I am grateful for him.

So, not that anyone really needs to hear or see it, but, I’m going to make a list of all the things I am grateful for that he has brought to my life. (I probably will not actually get all of them, but I will get more than most care to read. lol)

So thank you, sweetheart, for:

  • Making me feel more loved than I truly ever thought possible
  • reminding me to relax when the world and my own ambition has me completely overhwhelmed
  • being so incredibly supportive of me, my education, and my career choice
  • giving in when I sent you the picture of baby Arceus
  • giving in again when you went to get ammo and I went “to look” in PetSmart, and we brought Hoopa home with us
  • loving the cats just as much as I do (even though they cuddle me more)
  • loving my sisters and being a positive role model in their lives
  • working as hard as you do; I truly, very deeply, appreciate your work ethic and your desire to excel in your career and all you do for us
  • getting dinner when I don’t have the time to cook, or when it’s more important for us to spend time together than for me to spend 40 minutes to an hour in the kitchen
  • letting me enjoy the extra money I’m making now because I haven’t really had that in literally years
  • surprising me, constantly, with little, sweet things that catch me off guard; even six years into our relationship-these mean more than you know~!
  • making me feel beautiful every day; especially on the days where I feel bloated/am breaking out/suddenly hate every piece of clothing I own/etc.
  • complimenting me for things ranging from my cooking to my drive, my brain to my faith, my childish moments to my extremely mature ones, etc.
  • having a surprisingly helpful input when it comes to buying make up/clothes/other “girly” things
  • watching things I like even when you’re not particularly interested in them
  • managing to talk mostly non-stop most mornings between 6 and 7am as we drive to work together
  • the innumerable amounts of private concerts I’ve gotten on each and every one of our car drives together; whether they’re 10 minutes or several hours
  • making sure I am always basically the most amount of happy it is currently possible for me to be
  • keeping me grounded
  • reminding me that most things are not, in fact, the end of the world
  • making me feel comfortable in my own skin (this may very well be the most significant thing on this list)
  • the countless amount of adorable and explicitly husband/wife things other people definitely don’t want to hear about
  • making me truly happy to be alive
  • making me want to be the best possible version of myself; when it comes to being a wife and also simply just being me
  • trying everything I cook, even if you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it, and being extremely nice about whatever it is
  • letting me sleep in as long as I need to on the weekends
  • understanding when I sometimes (more frequently, lately) go to bed much earlier than you
  • reminding me that the future, whatever it holds, will be face-able, as long as I have you by my side
  • making me laugh constantly, even at times when I feel like crying/am basically asleep/etc
  • getting me through the process that was planning the wedding
  • growing with me through the last 6 years
  • being my friend before being my boyfriend and eventually my husband
  • making me feel truly happy to be alive and experiencing life and all it has to offer
  • basically for almost all of the good feelings I have these days, while still making me feel like a bad-ass woman who can handle her shit.

You are the best, and I still thank God every day for you (even including your snores, which seem to bother everyone but me).

The last (roughly) six years have been amazing, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of my life, as your wife, has in store for us. I mean, look at how far we’ve come! From the first pic we took as a couple (on the right) to the most recent one we took earlier this month. Can’t wait to compare how we’ve changed in another six years.

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Killer Comparison

When you’re in your mid-twenties, there can be a few seasons throughout the year that are difficult. Not literal seasons, but things like engagement season, wedding season, graduation season, and Summer time. These can all be difficult for different reasons; and social media doesn’t make it any easier.

If you’ve been in a steady relationship for a long time and aren’t yet engaged, engagement and wedding season can be really difficult for you. I can’t count the number of posts I’ve seen online about people watching their Facebook feeds fill up with engagement pictures, wedding pictures, and babies and how they themselves aren’t really doing anything with their lives (not my words, the words of those posting those things).

Summer time can be difficult for anyone, seeing as this is the time everyone is going to the beach and posting endless pictures of themselves doing so. If you’re unhappy with how you look, as many of us are, then this can be a time when you are especially prone to comparing your body to others.

Graduation time can be difficult when you see your peers succeeding if you aren’t in the same place. This one in particular is rough for me right now, when I see my peers graduating from B.A. programs, people younger than me getting their A.A. and moving onto a 4 year in the fall, when I myself am not quite there yet. I graduated high school in 2009. If things had gone according to plan, I would have had my B.A. in 2013; 4 years ago. I could literally have a masters degree right now had things gone smoothly.

However, life happened. I went far away for college, then got homesick. Then my grandfather got cancer and I moved back home, and didn’t go back to school right away. I ended up getting to spend a lot of time with him in the last 8 months before he passed away, and I will cherish that time always. I tried going back to school after he passed, but I was so depressed after losing him that it was extremely difficult for me to get out of bed and go to class, let alone concentrate on the days I managed to go.

Then, I started dating my husband. Life got better, but instead of going back to school, I tried my hand at getting licensed as a Pharmacy Tech. Took courses, paid for them myself, passed the state test, and then got literally one interview in two years.

After that, I finally went back to Community College, and will have my A.A. at the end of July, after finishing up Spring semester this week and taking one class over the Summer. Then, I’ll apply for the Spring 2018 semester at CSUMB, and start my B.A. program towards becoming an English Teacher.

That being said, but I’ve found myself beating myself up for not already having my B.A. like some of my peers, and for not eating as healthy as they do, for not exercising as much as they do, for feeling like I am not as far in my life as they are. There’s no point in doing that, though. I’m genuinely happy for my friends, and excited at their successes in life. Beating myself up isn’t going to help my grades, make time go faster, or make me feel better about the situation.

Comparing where I am in my life to where my friends are at in their lives is literally pointless. What I can do, however, is compare myself now to who I used to be. I’m happily married to an absolutely wonderful man, I’m making great progress with school and with my academic skills, I’m getting better and better at cooking, I’m learning new things about taking care of our apartment, in almost every aspect of my life I am making progress and improving.

The only person we should ever compare ourselves to is our past selves. That is the only person we should ever be competing with. & that is exactly what I will be doing from now on; striving to be better only than my past self.

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I shouldn’t even have to be writing this.

Repeat after me: a woman’s interests and hobbies are valid. A woman’s interests and hobbies are valid! A WOMAN’S INTERESTS AND HOBBIES ARE VALID.
It doesn’t matter if it’s video games or comics or math or science or any other thing men feel they have the sole right to! Guess what, you don’t! Just because a woman likes a certain video game doesn’t mean she must be really bad at it. Liking a comic doesn’t mean she just likes to cosplay cuz its cute and fun. YOU DONT KNOW MORE THAN HER JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MALE!!!!!!!
I dealt with 4 years of this crap and I will not stand by and tolerate it happening to anyone if I can help it.
In high school I was always told by my guy friends that I wasn’t really a gamer because I had just started gaming. Then it was that I wouldn’t win because I was a girl. Then when I beat them, it was luck. Well then I didn’t know as much of the back story as they did. Same with bands, same with everything. For 4 years nothing I did or said or liked was good enough, because I was a girl.
With the Suicide Squad movie coming out this summer, I’ve seen an increase online of dudes accusing girls that they don’t know anything about DC comics and they just like the way Harley looks, and give them immeasurable amounts of crap. All because we’re girls!
Well I hate to break it to you (not) but the person I know who knows the most about both Marvel and DC comics, is a girl. And I have a lot of friends who are into them.
Believe it or not, but we have interests just like you and they aren’t all feminine.
You know why I love Harley?
Because when I was a little girl I love watching the animated Batman series, and when I saw Harley and Ivy practically blow up a car full of dudes who cat called them, I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen. They stood up for themselves. Guess what I did growing up every time I got cat called? I didn’t take it, I didn’t ignore it, I screamed back and flipped them off. Because of Harley and Ivy.
And no matter how much you wanna tell me im not a true fan because I haven’t read every single comic, you can never take that from me.
Watching Harley gave me inner confidence and a sense of inner bad-assness, because she showed me I could have that.
Harley is an amazing character with so many amazing aspects and qualities, and while I’m worried about how the movie will portray her, I’m more concerned at the outbreak of shitty dudes online criticizing girls for loving her.
I , for one, think that if they really want to keep it up, we should start acting the way Harley would in those situations.
Whadda say, ladies?

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In Sickness and In Health

I’m so incredibly lucky to be marrying someone who is so good to me all the time. He’s so good at taking care of me and always goes out of his way or goes the extra mile to make sure I’m okay and taken care of. Due to some medical things, I often don’t feel good and can be in pretty bad pain that pretty much glues me in one spot, but Zach always goes above and beyond to make everything as easy as possible for me. Like there’s so many reasons I’m marrying him, but the fact that he so selflessly tends to my needs is just amazing to me. Like I know this is how healthy relationships are supposed to work, but that’s never something I saw growing up. My mom took care of us and I took care of my sisters and my mom took care of my step-dad but I never saw him take care of her. Ever. She always took care of herself, on top of everyone else. I’m always amazed at how blessed I am to have this indescribable love that I do, and I’m also incredibly lucky to have a mother as strong as mine. I never thought I would have a love like this, and for a long time I wasn’t even sure it existed. But it does, and I thank God every day that he blessed me with it. I’m blessed to be loved by him, I’m blessed that his parents raised him to be such an amazing person, I’m blessed to be marrying into such a kind, funny, and great family, I’m blessed to have such an awesome mom and sisters who love me unconditionally and make my life brighter, I’m blessed in innumerable ways with so many amazing people in my life, and I get to marry my best friend! I don’t know what I did to deserve so much love in my life, but I will forever be grateful that the Lord has blessed me in abundance beyond compare.

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Overcome your inner perfectionist.

Recently it has been pointed out to me that I stress out to much, and that I am a control freak. Of course I’m stressed out. I work full time, go to school full time, am planning my wedding, need to maintain my apartment, cook dinner, run errands, and am trying to maintain an active, healthy lifestyle. My mom said that of course I’m a control freak, I’m the oldest of 3 and given some hectic years, I like to make sure I’m prepared for everything. And I mean overprepared. Before I go to bed, I clean up a little, get the coffee ready, make my lunch for the next day, plan out what I’m wearing the next day, get together everything I’ll need in the morning, and then finally get ready for bed. Its roughly a 40 minute process, depending on how long it takes me to decide what I want to wear the next day.
This obviously took its toll on me, and I became moody, irritated, and anxious.
Luckily, I got a promotion that actually put me into a less stressful job.
That helped, but I still had work to do. I knew I needed to find a way to calm down, because I couldn’t live every second of my life thrumming with stress.
Typically, I’m a very good student. I try my hardest, I do all my work, I ask questions, etc. Well, with school being the biggest stressor in my life, guess what I had to do? I had to make school less stressful. In my fiancé’s words, I need to just “take the B” and be happy with it. This means I can skip some assignments that aren’t worth many points yet take up my time.
This doesn’t mean I’m skipping a ton of assignments. But it does mean that if I have two different discussion forums to post in for the same class in the same week and they’re each only 10 points, I’m skipping one of them. If I have to do a huge post on my own worth 12 points and 2 replies worth 8 points, I’m just gonna do the replies.
I have too much going on to try to be a perfectionist in all I do. So I take it down a notch on the school work. I let the laundry sit for a day. I let the dishes sit for two. I ask for help when I need it, instead of going “no I got this!” as I balance books, dishes, the vaccum, and a spatula, teetering on falling over any second.
I read my bible every morning for peace, and I reach out to those who love me for support. I take time for me, I take time for my relationship. An AA is an AA whether I get all A’s or some B’s and C’s. My sanity is more important than a perfect GPA. I needed to overcome my inner perfectionist, and while there will still be some struggles, I am already 10x less stressed out, and that’s definitely worth a B and some free time.

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High school kids are brutal

There has been an abundance of bullying at the high school I work at recently. So much so that I often go home completely drained because watching people be that awful to each other all day with no remorse takes a toll on the soul.
It has, however, made me consider how I treat people in my life. You see, many of these comments are said without thought, and most of the time they aren’t even meant to hurt the person they’re talking about; often the other person doesn’t even know what’s being said, and its possible that they often don’t even know each other. These are the ones that upset me the most. Kids making fun of other kids for things like their appearance for no other reason then getting a laugh out of their friends. Its pointless negativity, and while they think its just fun and games, it damages the way society functions in the long run.
This is how we grow up to be harsh, judgmental adults, who say things we don’t mean for no other reason then we can.
I wasn’t a victim of bullying in high school, but I was in middle school. That made me a high schooler who stuck up for people that were being made fun of, even if I didn’t particularly like that person.
But I’m sure at some point I said or did things that hurt someone without actually meaning to hurt that person and more so for the sake of proving myself to my friends.
What does that say about humans in general? Why is critizicing other people something we do to prove ourselves? Kids learn it from somewhere, from someone, they don’t just do that on their own volition. What are we doing as adults that shows them that’s okay?
I know a lot of these kids don’t have parents who are active in their lives, and they live in a harsh community that teaches them that proving themselves is important. But if we, as a society, stopped cutting each other down to make ourselves feel better or seem cool to our friends, how much better would the world be?
Kindness and understanding go a long way, and even if I can’t get that through every students brain, I can certainly get it through my own.

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Too Blessed to be Stressed!

Well, mostly. Ha.

I have so many good things going on in my life right now.  Last week I got engaged (yay!), I finally have a full time job that I love, by the end of next semester I will be finishing up my AA degree, and on Monday my fiancé and I sign the lease for our very own apartment! God has abundantly blessed me, and I’m extremely grateful.

However, with all of these really great blessings, comes a list of new things to be on top of and some mild stress. Stress I can totally handle, however, as long as I have the support I need from my loved ones. Being engaged obviously means planning a wedding, and while I’m extremely excited to do so, I’m aware that it entails a lot of things, that I am definitely going to need a lot of help with. Next month alone we’re just trying to have an engagement party and get our engagement pictures taken, but that still takes planning and money and working out multiple peoples schedules. I love my job, but I know that when I go back to work on Monday, there’s gonna be a little more than usual expected of me because the kids are going to be gearing up for finals and end of semester grades, and that’s going to be an entire headache in and of itself. Not to mention my own final exams and final projects (that I had intended to start this weekend) in the middle of moving into our own apartment and trying to make sure that everything we need is set up (tv, internet, garbage, etc.) and still have the energy to actually get my course work done at the end of the day. I see a lot of long nights ahead of me. I’m happy for them, and I know I can do this (that is, as long as nothing else comes up!) as long as I lean on God for my strength.

Mostly I’m extremely grateful for the 3 week off work, 5 week off school break I’ll have in about 3 weeks. Thank the Lord! He is, after all, the literal reason we end up having this break 🙂

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