I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life. Literally, as far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to have kids. This time last year I was lucky enough to get pregnant, after trying for 3 months. 3 months isn’t a long time; in fact, as my doctor told me yesterday, 80% of women trying to get pregnant will get pregnant by the third month of trying. It felt like forever though. I was using an ovulation kit, drinking and eating all of the things that are supposed to help you get pregnant, tracking my temp, doing all of things I read were supposed to help, and it felt like forever. When I finally got that first positive pregnancy test, I cried from joy. I immediately ran off to Target to get stuff to put together a little surprise box for my husband when he came home. He couldn’t believe it, and we were both SO excited. I was pregnant long enough for my husband to be SUPER sweet on Mother’s day, and surprise me with a bunch of things from Target to celebrate me (my favorite drink, a Harry Potter water bottle, my favorite snacks, etc.). The plan was to announce the pregnancy on Father’s Day; I thought it would be cute, I had gotten us matching Jurassic Park Mother/Father hood is a walk in the park shirts, I had gotten my hair cut & colored for pictures, went and got some new jeans and earrings from Target….and then I had a check up with my OB.
I was waiting to Facetime my husband (he couldn’t come with me because of COVID) so he could see the baby and hear it’s heartbeat…and I never got to do that. There was no heartbeat…there wasn’t even a baby anymore. There had been one at my 6 week first check up. 3 weeks later, at 9 weeks, there was nothing. They still needed to do bloodwork to confirm it, but it was clear; I had miscarried. Even worse, my body didn’t actually go through the process until I would have been 12 weeks. For 3 weeks I was waiting to bleed, for cramps to start, for literally anything to happen. It felt like a nightmare. The whole time still going to get my blood drawn once a week to track my dropping HcG levels. I did my best to live my life normally in the meantime, between crying my eyes out in my husbands arms and over-sleeping a lot. We were at a friends house when I finally started bleeding. I didn’t even make a thing of it; I went to the bathroom, realized I was bleeding, came back to get a pad out of my purse, put it on, and quietly told my husband what had happened. It wasn’t a ton of blood, and being around friends felt good for me, so we hung out for a few more hours before the sadness crept up and I asked to go home.
My miscarriage is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Both emotionally and physically. The next week I woke up twice at 2am contracting and bleeding so bad so I was crying out in pain. I spent 2 straight days in bed with a heating pad and Tylenol and Disney+ just trying to ignore the pain I was in. The second time I woke up at 2 am in pain, my husband took me to the ER because it was such intense pain that my entire body was shaking. Once again, because of COVID, he couldn’t even come in to the ER with me. I was evaluated, blood drawn, given very strong pain meds by IV, and let go at 5am. There was no follow up about what to do if this happened again, no check in on how I was doing after, nothing.
This was in June of 2020. It was traumatic to say the least, and I came out the other side with my faith shaken and a deep need for healing. As much as I wanted to be a mom, we weren’t ready to start trying again right away. We hadn’t even discussed when we *might* be ready to start trying again, we were both just focused on healing and getting through the day to day for now. We took a Summer trip to Lake Tahoe, our favorite place to go as a couple, to reset and heal a little more, away from our regular life. After that, we lived life; in August I turned 29 and we celebrated my birthday in a very low-key way (for someone who loves her birthday and attention in general, this was out of the ordinary) by making a trip to the Mid-town farmers market in Sacramento and then going out for lunch afterwards. By the end of the month, we would find out that I was pregnant again.
This time I didn’t do a surprise announcement box for my husband. I couldn’t be sure that I wouldn’t lose this one too, and I was scared of making plans because of that. We were cautiously happy, and truly couldn’t believe that it just happened. We didn’t tell almost anyone at first, this time we really wanted to get to 12 weeks before we told anyone who didn’t need to know. 12 weeks came, and the baby was doing great, and we made our announcement to everyone. Happy and excited and hopeful, I was also still worried. I felt like I could breathe once I hit 20 weeks, since the chance of miscarriage drops way down after that. We made it to 20 weeks! And on top of finding out we were having a baby girl, we also found out that I have placenta previa.
If you don’t know what placenta previa is, it’s a condition where your placenta attaches at a point in your uterus where it’s covering part or all of your cervix. Mine is only partial, so I was put on pelvic rest and told that it would probably move in about 2 months, where it would be checked again. It was checked again, and not only had it not moved, but I woke up bleeding the next morning. That’s the thing with placenta previa, it bleeds; sometimes clots come out, and you have to call the labor and delivery department to see what they want you to do. They wanted me to come in to be monitored for 24 hours, so we did just that. The bleeding had stopped, and we were sent home the next day. We were told that if I lost a large clot again, to call again. Everything was good for 2 weeks, I lived life like normal but made sure that I took it easy, just to be safe. And then I woke up bleeding again, at 2 am this time. We came to the hospital again, this time for 4 days. We came in on a Thursday, the bleeding stopped that day, and since no more bleeding had occurred by Sunday, we were discharged and sent home. It was clarified this time that if another bleed happened, they would end up admitting me to the hospital until I gave birth via C-section (vaginal birth was no longer a safe option for me because I could bleed out).
We got home around 11am/12pm on Sunday. I loved on my cats and took a nap in my bed, which I was so grateful to be back in. Later in the day, we went to the store so I could get some lunch stuff for the week, and the rest of the day was pretty much spent lounging in bed trying to recuperate for work on Monday. I woke up Monday morning 2 minutes before the alarm went off, went to the bathroom…and lost another clot. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to end up in the hospital until I gave birth. I hadn’t even been home for 24 hours! I called the hospital, they told me to come in, and once I hung up I just started bawling my eyes out. I didn’t want to go, but I wanted my baby to be safe. I was scared, I didn’t understand why this was happening to me, and I did not want to be admitted to the hospital until I gave birth.
Well, I’m still here…writing this from my hospital room a week later. I also ended up bleeding later that day, along with my most massive bleed yet on Friday. I went from bleeding once due to an exam, then not bleeding for 2 weeks, to bleeding 4 times in a little over a week. Talk about scary. I cried so much my first few days at the hospital. Luckily, even with COVID, my husband is free to come and go, which helps because he still has to work but I’m not alone. Friends and family can’t come, and that does suck, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
At this point, I’ve hit 34 weeks of pregnancy and have had all 4 shots (2 rounds) of the steroids to help baby girl’s lungs develop. The plan going forward is to have a C-section if I bleed a large amount (lose a clot) again at any point. The hope is to get me to 37 weeks of pregnancy, and have the C-section on that day. Knowing that I could have her at pretty much any moment is definitely stressful, although at this point I’m just relieved that we’ve made it to 34 weeks. Knowing that if she comes before 36 weeks she’ll spend time in the NICU is a little nerve-wracking, but I know she’ll be okay even if that happens. The way my previa has been behaving, making it to 37 weeks seems like a far fetched hope, but we’ll see.
My main takeaways from the last year are that I have the most supportive husband in the world, and I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without him; I am an incredibly strong and bad-ass woman for withstanding everything that has been thrown my way; and with the amount of trouble my body seems to have with being pregnant, this may be the last time I do this. I am SO excited for our sweet baby girl to be here and to raise her with my husband; but I’m not sure I could handle another miscarriage or another situation like I’m in now with my previa, where not only am I traumatized several times over from each bleeding event, but I end up in the hospital for a month, completely separate from my life and unable to do anything about it.