On dating.

I see so many posts online about dating. Every day, on every social media network, tons of them. Dos and don’ts and this and that and the other thing.

What I see a lot of is things like “if so and so does this or that KEEP THEM FOREVER BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL” and oh my gosh it gets on my nerves. Girls, just because a guy pauses his video games for you doesn’t mean he’s the most perfect guy in the world. And guys, just because she plays video games with you doesn’t make her a perfect glowing angel worth your everything.

Those are just examples, but you get what I mean. Replace video games with whatever “quirky” or “different” thing and it means the same thing. Stop settling for someone just because they tolerate you and your habits! 

I’m not dating my boyfriend of almost 4 years just because we like the same music or just because he understands and knows what to do when I get moody. I’m dating him because of those things BUT MOSTLY because he treats me like an equal and respects me! We do not like 100% of the same things, but we don’t harp on each other for our differences, we embrace them. I will watch sports with him and he will watch Harry Potter movies with me and no one holds it over the other person.

I was a mess when we started dating. I didn’t hold on to my boyfriend because he knew that and accepted me anyways. I held on to him because he’s sweet and kind and understanding and my best friend and I know I can count on him no matter what. Relationships are deep and complex and we are together for many deep and complex reasons, along with some typical and silly ones. Like how when I look at him I am overwhelmed with happiness and love and the desire to hug and kiss and cuddle forever. 

My boyfriend makes me more comfortable being me. We’ve been through life’s ups and downs together and I wouldn’t want anyone else by side for them. 

Stop settling for stupid compromises on who you want, and go find your soulmate! Because I gotta tell ya, it is out of this world amazing when you find them.

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Trusting in God.

Where do I begin? Life has been simultaneously  crazy and extremely routine all at once lately. I find myself exhausted almost 24/7, and even though you would think I would try to do something to fix that, during the work week I am too apathetic to care and during the weekend I’m willing to push through it for the “fun” activities, which is more often than not just laying around the house watching Netflix, and just not worrying about having to be up early. I’m in a funk and both just want to freaking relax for once while also just wanting to be able to do something actually productive with my time.

Next month I turn 24, start a new semester at community college so I can get my future back on track, and will be leaving a full time job for an on call job that will look great on my resume when I have my degree finished. I have many mixed emotions about these things. I’m excited about my birthday and about starting school, and excited about starting a job that I know I will both enjoy and be good at. I’m looking forward to the free time I will have to do things like clean the house and do schoolwork and not get overwhelmed, but worried about my income. I will be 24 and though it sounds like I should be an adult with everything together (I mean thats only 6 years from 30, for Christ’s sake!) I feel very much young and clueless and anxious and impatient. All I want is to be an adult with her life together, and 24 is a difficult age when you look around and it seems like all your friends are doing just that and you feel like you somehow seriously screwed up along the way.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of how far I’ve come and who I am-but it doesn’t always feel like enough when my friends are all done or finishing college, working jobs they love, traveling to places all around the world, and are getting engaged what seems like literally left and right. It’s like “wow awesome I’m so happy for you!” I say as I work at a minimum wage job I hate and make a frozen pizza for dinner for the 15th time this month. Not the best feeling in the world.

At the same time I love where I am in my life, though? And the question mark isn’t a mistake, it’s part of the statement. I’m just confused because being in your twenties is apparently one damn catch 22 after the other. I’m so ridiculously in love with my boyfriend, and am totally happy living where we’re at and I love that I come home to him after a long day, have a frozen pizza, and snuggle up to him while we watch whatever 90s movie or comedian we like off Netflix for the night. Young enough to enjoy the little responsibility we have and also itching for more of it.

High school is not the most confusing part of life at all. Being in your twenties is. Trying to figure out how to properly cook meat so you don’t make yourself sick and learning how to pay your bills and buy food and then wonder where the eff the rest of your money went because aren’t you supposed to be saving, too? Finding the balance between taking care of work and bills and chores and also not going to crazy but also being able to relax and play video games without neglecting work and bills and chores.

I think I’m just going a little crazy with cabin fever, so to speak. I’ve never been good with waiting, with the in-between time periods in life. I’m very impatient when it comes to doing things, because I overly stress out whenever I can’t. I have to wait until the 12th to start my job in the schools and my classes don’t start until the 17th, so I’m just trying to get through each day while very much feeling like a little kid in the car on a roadtrip going “ARE WE THEREEEEE YEEETTT?!” every day. Not to mention wondering if you’re making the right choice at every turn, because it doesn’t just effect you anymore and it also effects your future (and again-not just your future) and hoping and praying that you’re doing the right thing and doing your best to trust that God is going to take care of you.

I read my bible every morning, the one habit I’ve developed this year that I’ve stuck too and am really proud of. It helps me so much, but I’m still human and still fail to always put my trust in God. This next month is going to be a huge leap of faith, and I’m trusting that God will take care of me not only in this situation, but in every situation in my life that I am currently and will in the future be concerned/confused/worried about.

For now though, I think I’m going to go do the laundry, clean the bathroom, and then play some video games to wind down my Sunday night and gear up for another week of being an adult, fully functioning or not.

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I’m not angry anymore//letters to ‘dad’

To my biological father,

Man, you missed out. Let me preface this with a quick statement: you are not responsible for or can take any credit for how amazing I turned out. That’s all me, mom, & God. With that out of the way, let me quickly clue you in to what you missed out on. I’m smart. I got good grades all throughout school, looove to read, and am basically a nerd. Harry Potter, lord of the rings, all that stuff. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I love it so much I literally have a tattoo. It was my first, and it’s huuuge. And beautiful.  

 That’s upside down. But you get the idea. It was a birthday present from my boyfriend last year. But I’ll get to him later. I’m also amazingly kind. Kids love me, and I love kids. I can’t count the times someone’s told me I’m kind or sweet or compassionate. I haven’t let the crappy things that have happened to me ruin that. I love that about me, my kindness. I have a passion to help people, and I’m pretty good at it. 

I try to make it to warped tour every year. I think this year will be the fourth in the row. You probably think this has, in some tiny way, have to do with you. It doesn’t. That kind of music helped me get through more than I have time to recount. Basically, I’m also cool, by your standards, I guess. Shows are one of my favorite things in the entire world. Real sense of belonging and community at shows, which I needed growing up.

I read my bible every day. Pray every night. Go to church. I work every day on becoming a woman of God, and I don’t think mom could be more proud.

I have a full time job now. I just started a few weeks ago. I love it. I’m tired a lot, but I’m happy and I like my coworkers and the regulars that come in. I’m a hard worker, too. Every manager I’ve had has complimented me on it. I’m good with people, I catch on fast, I learn quickly, all that stuff. It makes me feel very accomplished.

My boyfriend. Oh man, he’s so great. We’ve been together for like 3 and a half years now, living together for almost 2. He’s the sweetest, funniest, most handsome, most caring guy I have ever met. He treats me like a princess, and he’s my best friend. I didn’t know love could look like this, and I am astounded every day at how lucky we are to have each other. I very much grew up thinking that what I have with him didn’t even exist. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. And I thank God every day for it.

I’m so happy with my life. And it doesn’t matter that you aren’t part of it. 

To the man who raised me-

Please don’t make the same mistakes with the girls that Joey made with me. You need to keep making the effort to talk to them and see them. The thing that hurt me the most growing up was that I was always the one who had to initiate contact first. It made me think that he didn’t care. I cannot stress this enough. Even if they are angry. Even if they don’t want to talk to you. It will only make it worse if you make them come to you, and you are risking the chance that they won’t. Don’t do that. For your sake and more importantly for theirs. I want them to have a relationship with their father because I know what it’s like to not have one and I may have turned out okay but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt thinking that I wasn’t loved by my biological father. Please. Stop making this about pride and think about how much you love them, because I know you do. But I know they don’t feel like it right now. Keep trying. Or they will never forgive you.

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An Exciting New Chapter

After not getting the Pharmacy Technician job I had been interviewed for, I was pretty bummed out. In fact, it sent me into a full blown panic attack, something I thought I had grown past. I tried to take it in stride and trust that God had something better planned for me, but as I continued to get ready for, drive to, and work at a job I hated, it didn’t feel like it. But I didn’t become bitter or angry towards God. I continued to do my devotional every morning and worship Him as I walked around getting ready for my day, because I wanted to continue to be faithful. I also continued to put in applications for every non-food industry job I could possibly find.

Well, it’s paid off! I put in an application for a full time job at a local UPS store, had an interview the next day, and got hired on the spot! Opening shifts are 8:15-4:45, closing shifts are 9:45-6:15, and they’re closed on Sundays! After getting paperwork and picking out some clothes from their website, I walked back to the car completely ecstatic and probably jumping around a little. When I got back in the car I’m also pretty sure I screamed with joy while texting my boyfriend, mom, best friends, and sister that I had got the job.

This means that instead of consistently not getting home until after midnight, never seeing my boyfriend because I leave for work before he even gets off, risking getting burned on tortilla presses, putting my hands in awful sanitize water that eats holes in my skin, constantly getting yelled at to work faster, and wearing a hat that makes me break out, I get to have a normal sleep schedule, I’ll be home every night in time to make dinner if I feel like it and have time to socialize and enjoy my life, and I won’t have to make a long drive late at night while I’m exhausted and cranky.

As much as I wanted the Pharmacy Technician job, this job is much better. You see, the Pharmacy Technician job would have been the same drive, but only part time. God had a full time job waiting for me, I just had to be patient and wait for it. Not to mention this job has the possibility for commission and about 6 hours of overtime every other week, which is more than okay with me! I trusted that God had a plan for me, and I was rewarded more than I imagined possible.

Be faithful to God and he’ll be faithful to you, it’s simple.

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Trusting God; through good and bad.

Yesterday I got some bad news. I didn’t get a job that I really wanted, meaning I’m stuck at a job that is both extremely stressful and putting me on a schedule exactly opposite of everyone I love, so that everyone is at work when I’m at home, and asleep when I’m off work. It was a hard blow, and even sent me into a panic attack, which I thought I was over having. It was a really bad day, and I was not happy.  I had thought my interview went well. I had prayed and asked God to give me this job. I had done my devotional and worshipped every day. I didn’t understand why I didn’t get the job.

But then my mom told me “do not mourn what was not meant for you” and I realized that while yes, it sucked, that I’m sure there is a greater reason for me not being given the job. Maybe I need to learn to work hard at a job I don’t like. Maybe I would have wrecked the car in the extra drive it would have been. Maybe something bad would have happened in the workplace. Maybe there is something better right around the corner. Who knows? 

All I know is that I got up this morning, drank my honey lemon water, put on God of Wonders by Third Day, and opened up my devotional. The rest of my day, I will finish watching The Hobbit:The Battle of Five Armies, do the dishes, drink some coffee, eat something, shower, and go to work. And I will work hard, with a smile on my face, because for whatever reason, God has put me there for however long he wants, and I will do my best to show people His love even when I would rather be somewhere else. 

Maybe this is all one big exercise in trusting His plan for me. If so, I think I’m going to do just fine with it.

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The “glamour” of being in your 20’s

Everything from movies, music, books, tv, stories from friends and family, basically-everything and everyone as you grow up tells you how amazing being in your twenties is. Parties, getting your own place, no curfew, no parents, no kids yet, being in your twenties is always described as one big party.

I disagree. Not that I don’t have fun and not that I don’t love being in twenties, because I do. But it has been much more stressful and hard than anyone or anything let’s on when you grow up. In my experience (and the experiences of those around me) it is an endless string of trying to find out who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life, and then the struggle of actually trying to get there. It is early mornings and late nights at crappy jobs and working your ass off to make ends meet. It’s being treated like an adult when you’re doing well or you’ve impressed someone and being treated like an incompetent child the second you screw up. It’s bills and rent and debt and job applications and classes and just trying to make it through the week.

Your twenties is the years you spend not partying 24/7, but trying to set yourself up for your thirties. I partied a lot from like, 18-19 and a little bit after 21. Now when I “party” it isn’t even a party-just a few friends over at my house for cheap beer/cheap bottles of rum (depending on everyone’s preference) while we watch a movie or play a game of some kind. I still have a good time, but it’s nothing like what you grow up expecting your twenties to be. I’m not complaining, I’m not at all upset that my life isn’t one big party, because that means that I am actually being a responsible, mature adult and setting myself up for my future.

Most of my conversations with my friends are about things like “I graduated from college but I can’t find a job in my field” and “This really huge life decision didn’t work out, I don’t know what to do!” and “I’m applying everywhere/I’m tired of these pointless part time jobs” or “Between work and school I’m exhausted and don’t have time to hang out this week, but soon!” I mean, at least I’m surrounding by people who are also trying to get their lives together, but man this is not what I expected.

But I think that this is more of an accurate depiction of what everyone experiences, and that everything else romanticizes it through rose-colored glasses as something to be excited for and to look back on fondly. I love my life, I really do. I could tweak a few things, but when it comes down to it I am very very happy and extremely blessed. But mostly I can’t wait for the years when me and all my friends have our lives together and get to work normal people hours and don’t have to struggle by on part-time pay checks.

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Striving to be a Woman of God

I was raised a Christian, and remain so to this day. Not that it didn’t come with struggles and such, but I have seen and experienced God’s love, mercy, miracles, and the like, and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about my beliefs. That being said, I am not always the Woman of God that I am called to be. Honestly, I am just starting to be the Woman of God that the Lord has been/is calling me to be. I grew up in a house full of turmoil, as you can read in past entries in this blog. One of the effects of the things going on at home was that I was often the only person who would go to church with my mom. On the way to church my mom would always play gospel/worship music, and being a teenager, I usually complained about it. See, it’s not like that’s all my mom ever listened too, my mom is awesome in a lot of ways, and one of those ways is her extensive taste in music. I was lucky enough that she grew up on and continues to like punk/rock music, so as a teenager I got to play things I liked in the car because she liked them, too. But that’s all I ever wanted to listen to, and always thought that gospel and worship music just wasn’t my thing. I’d tell her “I’ll just worship while I listen to Flyleaf or Underoath, mom. They are christian, after all.” Because I thought that was the only important thing about worship music. That is, until I got into soft folksy type music and loved how much it seemed to calm me down.

I have realized over the past few weeks, that much like you have to choose to be happy in life, you also have to choose to invite Christ into your life every day. I know I’ve heard it a thousand times, but I am young and sometimes foolish and thought that praying and going to church now and then was enough. That was, until I started spending time in the word every day. Because my day goes SO much better when I do. And it’s a choice I have to make every day, just like choosing to worship God. I found over the weekend at Women’s Retreat with my mom’s new church (full of wonderful women of God that I love and am blessed to know) that it is simply of matter of finding worship music that you like. It’s crazy how many options you have. Seriously, go on itunes and look. I have chosen Third Day, because it’s a band that my mom used to listen to a lot and one that I remember really liking (I’ve also seen them live with my aunt and I’ve gotta say they are AWESOME).

God has done some pretty cool things in my life the past few days, and all I had to do was give him some of my time. I am a far way off from being the Woman of God I want to be, but for the first time I am actively working towards that, and I’ve never felt more at peace or happier.

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