Trusting in God.

Where do I begin? Life has been simultaneously  crazy and extremely routine all at once lately. I find myself exhausted almost 24/7, and even though you would think I would try to do something to fix that, during the work week I am too apathetic to care and during the weekend I’m willing to push through it for the “fun” activities, which is more often than not just laying around the house watching Netflix, and just not worrying about having to be up early. I’m in a funk and both just want to freaking relax for once while also just wanting to be able to do something actually productive with my time.

Next month I turn 24, start a new semester at community college so I can get my future back on track, and will be leaving a full time job for an on call job that will look great on my resume when I have my degree finished. I have many mixed emotions about these things. I’m excited about my birthday and about starting school, and excited about starting a job that I know I will both enjoy and be good at. I’m looking forward to the free time I will have to do things like clean the house and do schoolwork and not get overwhelmed, but worried about my income. I will be 24 and though it sounds like I should be an adult with everything together (I mean thats only 6 years from 30, for Christ’s sake!) I feel very much young and clueless and anxious and impatient. All I want is to be an adult with her life together, and 24 is a difficult age when you look around and it seems like all your friends are doing just that and you feel like you somehow seriously screwed up along the way.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of how far I’ve come and who I am-but it doesn’t always feel like enough when my friends are all done or finishing college, working jobs they love, traveling to places all around the world, and are getting engaged what seems like literally left and right. It’s like “wow awesome I’m so happy for you!” I say as I work at a minimum wage job I hate and make a frozen pizza for dinner for the 15th time this month. Not the best feeling in the world.

At the same time I love where I am in my life, though? And the question mark isn’t a mistake, it’s part of the statement. I’m just confused because being in your twenties is apparently one damn catch 22 after the other. I’m so ridiculously in love with my boyfriend, and am totally happy living where we’re at and I love that I come home to him after a long day, have a frozen pizza, and snuggle up to him while we watch whatever 90s movie or comedian we like off Netflix for the night. Young enough to enjoy the little responsibility we have and also itching for more of it.

High school is not the most confusing part of life at all. Being in your twenties is. Trying to figure out how to properly cook meat so you don’t make yourself sick and learning how to pay your bills and buy food and then wonder where the eff the rest of your money went because aren’t you supposed to be saving, too? Finding the balance between taking care of work and bills and chores and also not going to crazy but also being able to relax and play video games without neglecting work and bills and chores.

I think I’m just going a little crazy with cabin fever, so to speak. I’ve never been good with waiting, with the in-between time periods in life. I’m very impatient when it comes to doing things, because I overly stress out whenever I can’t. I have to wait until the 12th to start my job in the schools and my classes don’t start until the 17th, so I’m just trying to get through each day while very much feeling like a little kid in the car on a roadtrip going “ARE WE THEREEEEE YEEETTT?!” every day. Not to mention wondering if you’re making the right choice at every turn, because it doesn’t just effect you anymore and it also effects your future (and again-not just your future) and hoping and praying that you’re doing the right thing and doing your best to trust that God is going to take care of you.

I read my bible every morning, the one habit I’ve developed this year that I’ve stuck too and am really proud of. It helps me so much, but I’m still human and still fail to always put my trust in God. This next month is going to be a huge leap of faith, and I’m trusting that God will take care of me not only in this situation, but in every situation in my life that I am currently and will in the future be concerned/confused/worried about.

For now though, I think I’m going to go do the laundry, clean the bathroom, and then play some video games to wind down my Sunday night and gear up for another week of being an adult, fully functioning or not.